


Losing Me

by PhaiFan



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 04:40:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3754894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhaiFan/pseuds/PhaiFan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loving someone like Alexander has a high price. And sometimes it costs you everything.</p><p>Song fic based on "Losing Me (Perdido En Ti)" - Diego<br/>(lyrics in italics)</p><p>Hephaestion's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Me

_I don’t know who I am anymore._

I wonder who I have become. When I see my reflection, I stare into the eyes of someone I no longer know.

I trudge back to my quarters, feeling defeated and alone. I pass your rooms, and I hear laughter from within…and my heart breaks just a little bit more. Once that would have been me, sharing your laughter, but no more.

_My world stops and starts right outside your door._

I hate myself sometimes, I truly do. I am a soldier, a warrior, a general. For the love of the gods, when did I become so weak?

_I’m feeling weak,_

_And I can’t sleep tonight._

Lying here now, alone, I know sleep will elude me yet again. I pray that I may sleep so that, at least for a while, I might be free of the pain that grips me without mercy these days. I have tried numbing myself with wine, but that only makes me feel worse.

_Never thought that I would ever feel this way._

How did we become these people that I scarcely recognize?

Why do I let myself do this? You speak, and I get lost in the sound of your voice.

_I’m hanging on every word that you say_

I am like a dog that always comes crawling back to its master, despite being beaten yet again.

_I’m beaten down,_

_I come around_

I don’t know how to stay away from you. You are the only life I know.

_One look in your eyes and I am saved._

I am a fool. I see you, and I forget everything. You look at me, and I can almost make myself believe that I see love there. Almost.

I truly am no better than the sycophant I am accused of being.

_Whatever you want, I want_

My dreams were always your dreams. Now, your dreams do not include me, and I am completely lost.

_Whatever you feel, I feel_

When you hurt, I hurt. I would still lay down my life for you, a thousand times. I would die defending you, even now. You once felt the same for me.

_I follow you, I follow you_

I would still follow you to the ends of the earth. I would follow you to Hades and back, over and over again. For you, I would do anything.

_I follow you, but I keep losing me._

I have become merely an extension of you, to do your bidding as you see fit. I don’t know who I am anymore.

_You’ve taken all control of everything I know_

I became what you wanted me to be, what you needed me to be. I trusted you. I gave you my life.

_And I miss the days when I was happy on my own_

There were brief times when I was happy, when I was my own person. When I was young and life was simpler…before I met you. And later, when you first told me you loved me, I have never been happier. I thought I would have that forever. I was wrong.

_When I could breathe, when I could dream_

I am broken. I no longer have dreams of my own. I gave them up years ago to be with you. I pledged to you everything that I have, everything that I am. Fool that I am, I still honor that pledge.

The promises you once made to me are long forgotten.

Sometimes I wish you would send me away, forever. I need to be away from you.

I don’t know _how_ to be away from you.

_So break my heart and give me back my soul._

It would destroy me to leave you, but then again, I am being destroyed by being here with you. So I guess it really does not matter.

It doesn’t matter. No matter what, I lose. You have consumed me, and I am burned by your fire. I am made helpless before you. I want to hate you, but I cannot. I only hate myself.

Once again, I jump at your command. I push myself beyond my limits for you. Over mountains, through deserts, city after city, battle after battle, I follow you. It is the only life I know.

_Wherever you go,_

I give you anything you ask of me, only to please you. Sadly, you don’t want anything from me these days, at least not as you once did.

_Whatever you need, I need._

I need only you, and I hate that.

_I follow you, but I keep losing me._

You take it for granted that I will be there when you need me. I always have been, and I always will be.

_I can’t face it anymore, just giving in_

I follow you blindly, bending to your will. I am weak, and it makes me sick.

_You change, I break, you hesitate, don’t think and no excuse_

I hardly know who you are these days. You have changed so much. What happened to the man I fell in love with so many years ago? I was your Patroclus. Where have you gone, my Achilles?

_I don’t want to be like this, I’m invisible_

You don’t even see me anymore. I blend into the background.

But then…just when I think I have the courage to leave, to get over you, you seem to know. You know, and you draw me back into my prison, and fool that I am, I go willingly.

_One kiss, and now it’s gone, and now I feel so wrong._

And so I go on, day after day, following you. I clean up the messes you make, pick up the pieces when things fall apart, and do my best to make sure you achieve your dreams.

_Wherever you go, I go_

_Whatever you feel, I feel_

_‘Cause I follow you, but I keep losing me._

The price I pay is high. I vowed to you years ago that my life was yours, and I cannot…will not…break that vow. I will go on, slowly dying inside, and you won’t even notice.

One day, it will cost me everything.

_Loving you is a sacrifice that ends up killing me_

I wonder, will you even miss me when I’m gone?


End file.
